42. Celebrating Caregivers: A Survivor's Journey Through Recovery and Gratitude

What's up, everybody? I know it's been a couple of weeks. I hope you have a what have had a wonderful holiday season, and the New Year MS off to a good start. I have been busy over the Christmas break with a very sick family. Everybody in the house had the flu, except for myself and my daughter. So things have been busy and slow to start the year, but everything's good. I hope everything is good with you. I apologize for the delay. I just had a bunch of things to do over Christmas break, which did not get done. Unfortunately, because there were just a lot of sick kids and my wife was sick, which, You know, I think we can all relate to, as a stroke survivor, when your, entire team goes down, it's it's definitely tough. I was able to handle it and everybody is good and doing well. The kids are back in school and I am ready to rock and roll. I wanted to get back on last week, but was still behind. So things are good. Hope everything MS good with you. This episode, I recorded prior to the holiday season. So if you hear anything that reference into that, My apologies, but, yeah, this was an important episode. I did not get it out before the holiday break because I thought it was more important to have my friend, Margo, on to talk about her perspective as a Stroke survivor. So if you listen back to episode 41, that was a really good one with my friend, Margo. A lot of good insights. Got a lot of good takeaways. I think for other survivors to hear from other survivors besides myself, You know, it's another perspective. It's great. I enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun. I hope to ever again on sometime, in the coming weeks or definitely early this year. Anyways, I'm, busy, let's see. Busy, busy, busy with The thing is, it don't really matter. Back to running, everything has been good. I've been running still, everyday since, I think, The last day I had off was back in August. That was because I had a little hiccup and had to take a day off. But, yeah, Running strong through the holidays, even through the sickness, really feeling good about the year and everything that's going on. Learning French for some reason, I took French from 5th grade to the end of high school. So 5th to 12th, I took 8 years of French, Didn't do much with it. Went to Miami for college. Heard a lot of Spanish, but never learned it really. Took Italian in college, despite living in Miami. And but but that was because I spent a lot of 2005 in in in Rome for most of the year. So, anyways, I hope you are, Gonna enjoy this episode. I think it's really good. It's about caregivers and giving back to them and how the important role they play. So, yeah, things are back on track. I'll be recording some new episodes this week. Probably Stroke those in between some previously recorded ones. But, yeah, hope you're doing well and really looking forward to 1024, and hope you're doing well. Enjoy this week's episode of the Liberal Survivor My name is Rosemary. Welcome back to another episode of The World of Horror podcast. This week is the holiday season. It is upon us. It is clearly evident by traffic, idiots all over the place, but we're not here to talk about traffic and the holidays and the special The people outside in the world during the holidays giving me anxiety to no end. We are here today to talk about and celebrate Caregivers, which play an important role in stroke recovery and stroke survivors' life. And, yeah, caregivers are we've talked about caregivers before in previous episodes, and I think we all know the importance of The caregivers in our lives, I know I am eternally grateful and forever grateful for Everybody, from my wife to my daughter to my 2 sons to my sisters to my extended family, To everybody who really helped me in the early days, you know, nursing I mean, obviously, caregivers Caregivers spans, a wide variety of different people in the in the process, but It is without them, you know, I can safely say that I would still be probably a giant hot mess, Or, like I like to say now, a baby walrus or perhaps baby sea lion, maybe a baby rhino. There's Lots of things that I I was trying to look it up this week. Which animals are around £500? Grizzly bears Or typically around £500, 600. Apparently, some baby whales are are also in that range. So, Yeah. Without the help of my caregivers and family you know, again, that's my family, my extended family, My sisters, thankfully, honestly, not my parents just because they passed, and I I'm glad they didn't Have to witness it. That would have been even more difficult probably. But, yeah, caregivers played such a huge role In my recovery, again, I wouldn't be there be here today where I'm at at Maker's Book Targus over the last couple years as I have Without their help, love, and support, and I just you know, it is the holidays. I don't wanna be super corny, but I think it's a good time to Step back and kinda reflect and, celebrate and appreciate the caregivers. And talk about some of the different challenges, you know, at different phases in the beginning, in the middle, probably still today, probably ongoing, But also acknowledge their their super great love and support. Again, I just wanna remind everybody, you know, if you wanna connect on social media, I'm on X TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, Twitch now. Probably start live streaming here next week. We'll see how that goes, because I think it would help kinda just get the podcast out there a little bit more. Yeah. Sorry. I'm I'm a little fired up and fresh out of the gym, so I'm choking on my own saliva at the moment. So, yeah, this is again about celebrating the caregivers in our lives. The you know, for me, It's a little it might be different. You might have a different, situation. Not everybody is able to or has, that support's in place, so I'm very grateful and appreciative again for my support team, whether it was medical doctors, The nursing staff, RNs, the c CNAs, just the general staff. I mean, I could tell you, I still remember it well. I was thinking about it today. Just the staff at the inpatient hospitals where I was at most of, the start of 2020, you know, just Conversations with different people that I met and spoke to other survivors that I met early on before COVID, you know, the the the all the physical therapists, speech therapists, you know. Again, there's so many different people doing so many different things within those facilities. It's really important, but I do kinda wanna get to To some main points, you know, my obviously, my perspective which I share every episode and sort of how I approached I don't know. Beyond the early days, I mean, I think the very early days, you have to kinda wrap your head around things, and what's happened, and what's What are things gonna look like? And, you know, again, that's gonna be different for everybody. And just to remind everybody, I had my stroke in December of 2019, 2 days before Christmas, wound up, you know, kind of figuring things out that 1st week At the, I guess, the regular hospital before I got shipped over to inpatient treatment, which is was a full time, stroke and brain injury care facility here in Jacksonville, Florida. And again, it's Brooks Rehab is one of the best facilities here on the East Coast. I'm very lucky, very fortunate that, we were able to kinda get me in there. That's a time I had no idea how much of how important that would be. And, yeah, certainly grateful for that. That's one of the first things to celebrate is that, you know, without my sisters and my wife, really taking charge there, taking the reins on that, You know, they absolutely fought on my behalf to get me in the best place possible for me, and, you know, took a little arm twisting, but, Really really appreciative and grateful for that because, you know, I think that certainly set the tone for my recovery. It Showed me that I wasn't going to be able to take things lightly, and that I was going to have to make significant changes mentally, physically, emotionally, You know, pretty much, everything you need to change when you have a Stroke, and you wanna make a solid recovery. But again, you know, did that initially, got diagnosed with MS 2 months after after the 1st month of treatment, after being home for a week. And I do do you wanna touch on, like, the This MS my approach. This may not be your approach. This may not be the thing the way everybody else approaches it, but just some things early on. It's like, okay. The 1st week or 2, you know, you definitely have to kind of wrap your head around what's happened. I mean, in my case, There were no I mean, you could look at pictures and look back now, and I was I was actually doing that last week when I was thinking about this. You know, it's so obvious now when I look at pictures of myself prior to my stroke that Yeah. I should've brought him up for this, this episode so we could screenshot these. But, yeah, I was not in good shape. I'll probably post pictures this week of this episode when I publish it, but It was looking back, it's very clear that things were messy. I was a mess. I was not in great shape. Again, all the things you you could do wrong, I was probably doing wrong to some degree. Not everything in my life was I doing wrong, but, You know, health wise, I was not making the greatest choices, but I was also mid thirties. I thought, okay, well, we'll figure this out. We'll turn things around. But yeah. I didn't, and I had a stroke. And, You know, early on, kind of opposite to what I'm talking about. I just had a doctor who MS like, you're not be okay. Like, you're not gonna recover in 2 or 3 days from this. This is a significant thing. And a stroke brace essentially is Breaking your brain. You're cutting up blood and oxygen to the brain, and that's, that is going to have Severe and significant ramifications when that happens. This is a neurological event. It caused a lot of problems. I was paralyzed on the right side of my body, And again, without the help of my my family and the caregiving team, my caregiving team, Who knows? I could still be in a wheelchair. I might not be walking. I'd like to think Full blooded, and I'm pretty determined to do things, but I certainly wouldn't be this far along if it wasn't for the people behind me. And I guess one of the things I'll talk about here in the beginning is that, after the probably the 1st week, Be probably even before I got to inpatient treatment, so probably the 1st week in the regular hospital, I realized, alright, there's because I asked, there was no magic pill that was going to reverse everything after we realized what had happened and what once they kind of certified, you know, Put me in the stroke care unit of it was not clear initially, but once it became clear that I had suffered a stroke, They got me on the the right floor. They got me into ICU. They got my family notified. They got everybody on board. They got we got things, you know, the ball rolling to figure things out. And again, this isn't Verb Buddy, but I I kind of knew immediately that And maybe it's the picture in me, maybe it's the the helper in me. I just knew that I had MS sort of Take some control. My my sister MS really good at this. She my my older well, I have 2 younger sisters. The older of the 2, She is the one who really kinda took the reins, but I think along with her you know, like, you know, like, she really helped with things that I couldn't do, but I was really Acutely aware, and maybe in hindsight, I should have been more aware at the beginning. But I was trying to, like, kinda I guess it was the leader in me or or just the the positions I've been in my life. I was acutely aware I wasn't gonna be able to do certain things, And a lot of burden was gonna fall on my wife. We have 3 kids. We you know, my sisters, they don't live in town, so they're traveling back and forth, and I was really trying to Kinda like a point guard in basketball. I was trying to manage the floor, manage the team, like, this person do this, this person that. I mean, I'm sure I didn't do the best Yeah. But I I do think I put a lot of effort and thought into that because, again, that after that 1st week, I knew. And if you are a stroke survivor, you probably also are acutely aware of, like, the limitations, especially if you're partially paralyzed or, You know, just, I mean, to some degree, I think I was lucky. I didn't have certain deficits immediately. I think, You know, I was cognizant pretty quick of what had happened. The paralysis, obviously, I knew I couldn't walk. I knew I couldn't even get out of the bed initially to do certain things, but I was able to talk after my stroke and speak and kind of I want people that in the right direction, but I was acutely aware that they were going to, you know, be putting a lot of time and effort into this, and I was trying to Reassure my wife, which was honestly one of the most difficult things because she's deaf and sometimes people don't Communicate to her the way she needs to be communicated to, so I knew there MS that. She was driving back and forth, and I knew she was gonna get burnt out. I knew she was gonna worry because she's a worrier and because she is a great mom, and she always puts everybody before herself. But I was kind of acutely aware that everybody was giving up a portion of their day and their time and making sacrifices Prices on my behalf, which I, of course, felt externally guilty, poor, still do. Can't change it just the way I feel. You know, I've tried to make a lot of strides and effort in my recovery to to kinda pay it forward or or pay it back in some respects To to my caregiving team and, yeah, I just think MS a stroke survivor, I was aware of these things. I knew my life would change forever. I knew, you know, again, that wasn't probably the 1st couple days. But within that 1st week, I knew Life was gonna be very different, and I had to figure it out, and I also knew that my caregiving team was making sacrifices was Going to help. Me, in a lot of regard in a lot of aspects that, you know, a lot of burden on my sisters to help my wife and my kids because At the time, my sisters didn't have kids, so they were able to help, but they're also, you know, busy busy people with their own careers They had going on. They didn't really need me interrupting it. And just to go back even further, so my stroke was in December of 2019, And this, I'm only mentioning it because it is somewhat significant, but we my sisters and I lost my parents To a tragic hiking accident in June of 2018, so about 18 months before my stroke, we lost our parents. So There was already some like, you know, things it was pretty fresh still. I mean, we had just sort of gotten everything settled there. We all sort of moved in a little bit of a different direction. My sister moved a little bit out west. I moved down south. My other sister moved, slightly north of where she was. We were all kinda just settled for the first time In our new places, respectively, and I think we just thought, okay, this has happened. This is tragic. This is not the best. We didn't certainly want it to happen, obviously. But we were just moving on from that, and then immediately, my crap with my Stroke struck. And I was again very very aware of the Sort of survivor guilt to and they were very generous with their time, and they were Super helpful and continue to be super helpful. I do not speak to one of my sisters as often as much anymore, but That's okay. That's one of the things that we learn MS survivors, and if you're new you know, a newer survivor, you're gonna learn that you're going to probably change For the better, hopefully, in most cases, not everybody does, but if you have a significant life event like this, Again, this is a little outside the caregiver space, but I just wanna make you aware of it MS that, like, it's okay. People grow, people change. You know, you can use stroke And your stroke recovery for whatever you want, but you can use it to make some significant changes in your life, the things that you never thought you would change, take advantage of sort of the you know, there is some downtime with a stroke you need to recover. Your brain needs To rebuild and rewire, that's not a myth. That's not that's not not a thing. It's just, You know, when your brain when you have a neurological event, you break you literally break your brain. You break, synapses. You break you know, there are just different Parts of the brain that have to recover, some of it may be temporary, some of it may be permanent. It really depends on the type of Stroke. So many factors that I don't even really wanna get into that too much because it's very technical, and I'm not obviously a doctor, but it's just yeah. You have to Really rebuild a lot of skills, things we all take for granted like walking, talking. You know, again, everybody's gonna have a different set of circumstances post stroke, and deficits, but it is very, humbling. That's for sure. You know, I'm still 4 years, and I can run 5,000 miles this year, but I can't I couldn't write in cursive if you paid me. You know, I which is not really a big deal to me, but I can't type as fast as I used Yeah. That's who I I that's something I work on in our practice, but because of the residual effects, like, my hands, and this might be MS related, You know, kind of tied in with the stroke, but my hands just wander, and I can't I can't keep them steady enough over the keyboard the way I would like to, The way we all probably naturally type, I have gotten it to where I can, like, peck the keyboard stuff. But that's 4 years in, and now just now, MS starting peck The keyboard to 35, 40 words a minute, but it is it is not easy. It is not easy. And again, you know, people in your life are gonna come and go when you have a stroke. It's okay. You just need to recognize that you need to, You know, let go of the people you need to let go if you let them go, let them come back. Handle it however you want because, you know, you begin Given an opportunity as Stroke survivor to have that 2nd chance don't waste it. You know, I see it sometimes, Unfortunately, with other survivors, they don't make changes, they don't wanna make changes, you know, they might be older. But honestly, I've seen younger ones that just don't wanna make changes, and I think everybody has different feelings at different times. You know, I I've had bad days. I've had days where I wanna give up, and then I just I look at my wife and my kids, and I'm just like you know, and I joke a lot about my kids Making me mad. And, you know, I have a 8, 9, and 21 year old. So, you know, my wife is deaf, so I think I I make a lot of jokes. I I find Humor in a lot of things because that is what kinda fuels my fire. I don't think humor is a love language, but I also don't really believe in love love language just that much. If there if if there is, humor is definitely mine. Physical touch is definitely not mine. You know, but I yeah. I think I the love languages are not as bad about almost as bad as Stroke in my bookings. That I could share with other people because I am a little bit younger. I have my friend, Margo, on the podcast last week. I'm gonna release that episode, next week. This week, tomorrow probably will drop. Oh, it doesn't matter because you'll have already listened to it, hopefully. But, yeah, my friend Crispian is a heart attack survivor. You know, he has some things that he's realized. You know, when he didn't have a stroke, he had a heart attack, but we're both Survivors and thankful and grateful to be. We're very thankful to the people behind us, who have supported us, who didn't give up on us. Because honestly, the harsh truth, and that's why I do this podcast, is that people will give up on you. People who Definitely gave up on MS, and probably rightfully so in the beginning because I looked back. I'm genuinely surprised I mean, now I'm not, but I'm a little surprised I didn't give up on myself. But I also knew I wasn't gonna give up on my wife and kids, and I wasn't gonna give up on my sisters, and I wasn't gonna give up on the people who invested time in MS, Even in the early days, it just help me get through the the the beginning acute phase, you know, to get me safe, home, and stable, and and ready for life again. And obviously, that's taken a lot of work and a lot of time. But, yeah, I would I just have a different perspective. I guess, I I feel like I owe it to myself to turn it around and have. I feel like everybody who invests their time, Whether it's doctor, whether it's a nurse, whether it's medical staff, just like somebody at the reception desk, like, if they gave They said hello and gave even if they gave an f for one second, or even if they just said hello and didn't give Fuck about me. Like you know, I just I I yeah. I don't know. I have a lot of A lot of thoughts on this and like, again, what people are gonna give up on you. People are think gonna think you're not going to recover. Not everybody, but there are a lot of doubters, a lot of haters. There are and I don't even think they're doubting or hating on purpose. I think they are just like, Well, this isn't good. Good luck getting back, and I just think, You know, it's gonna be different for a buddy. Everybody's gonna have a different experience. Some people may have families, like, completely give up, you know, that is a shame. I'm not gonna call anybody out, but there are definitely people who almost immediately wanted to give up on me, Which is really again, I was thinking back to it this week. I was like, I don't know. Maybe it's where I grew up, maybe it's how I grew up, maybe it's, you know, my parents, my upbringing, my East Coast Jersey attitude, like, I I guess I was acutely aware of how things had to go for me and how I was going to do it, and I'd I'd I'll be honest, people doubted it. People people still doubt it sometimes, although it's a different kind of doubt now. They actually should. Now we've gotten to the point where people don't believe I've had a stroke, which is pretty, you know, insane when I think back to it. But again, without the support of my caregiver team and celebrating my wife and my kid, I mean, my my daughter was 16. She really stepped up in a big, big way. Not something I ever wanted to ask of my 16 year old daughter. She was a soft one. So far in high school, maybe going into junior year. Junior. She was a junior. Yeah. Marissa. Sorry. Couldn't remember the time in there. Yeah. She was junior in high school, you know, getting ready to start doing college visits, pre COVID, of course. But, yeah, she steps up in a big way. My kids stepped up. They think they've learned a lot of valuable lessons. I don't wanna say it's the way I would've One MS it for them, but I think they are you know, I think they stepped up, at the time, they were 4 and 5. I mean, they stepped up as much as a 4 5 year old could. My daughter was 6 16, 17 at the time. She stepped up in a big way, Much bigger than she should have had to. Again, I feel some guilt there, but I think she'll I think in the long run, my kids will be better for it, and I think That's why I continued to do all the hard work that is required of getting back to some semblance of normalcy after stroke because, You know, I don't wanna not follow through on it. I don't wanna not be there for them. I, You know, I probably overdo it sometimes because I'm so passionate about turning this around. I never wanted to be somebody who identified as, You know, somebody who's, you know, identifies with their circumstances, but it's also the thing that's never going to Change for the rest of my life, even if they create that magic pill where everything suddenly goes back to normal. Things are never gonna be at back to normal, you know. I think, that's kind of my unique take on it. I think I just I just work really hard. 1 for myself, but 2 for everybody around me and for all the caregivers. And whatever capacity that particular caregiver has Played in my recovery, you know, I'm eternally grateful, eternally thankful, and yeah. I feel like I owe it to them to get back to being the best version of me that I can, So that I can, you know, continue on and have success, and and hopefully help encourage other survivors. I mean, that is really the goal of this podcast is Just to be a resource and, you know, a place where people can find, somebody to talk to, Somebody connect with because it is a very lonely journey. Caregivers play a huge role, but again, they have lives to get back To they have, you know, things to do, and some people obviously, my my wife and kids are here at home with me, but my sisters had to get back to their lives and live their lives. And I I certainly want them to. Never wanted to hold them back. I mean, that was again, that was a big emotional toll on me MS I was disappointed that I Had this situation I was in because I just didn't wanna do it to them. But I think we, you know, kinda have moved beyond that, and, you know But, yeah, it's it's it's a it's a lot. And I think, you know, when I think about my wife and kids, We are kinda getting into that a caregiver role where, you know, there are lots of unique challenges. I don't wanna get into the really the specifics around my stroke and my difficulties just because I don't think it's it's Super relevant, but there are definitely, you know, just things like when I was in the wheelchair for 2020. Like, my wife is Stroke, and she works she's, she's into CrossFit. She works, you know, she runs a lot. She lifts a ton now. She really I think, honestly, I think my stroke might have even, to some degree, held her in in in a different fitness direction than she was previously. But, yeah, you think about my wife is 52. She's lifting at the time. You know, we have a couple of cars, but she was like lifting a wheelchair for at the time, even after I first got out, I was, like, still Close to £400 when I got out. So she wasn't not only is she packing up and moving around a wheelchair for me, She's helping me by herself get into vehicle safely the 1st couple months of my stroke. You know, she's Folding up and moving a bigger than normal wheelchair. It's called a bariatric wheelchair, which is a nice way of saying Fat people wheelchair, you know, and that's no no shade on other big people, but, you know, it's true. I mean, it's not A bariatric device or wheelchair is, you know, probably a solid 50 pounds more than a regular wheelchair. It's just how they're made because they're made for quicker people. You know, but my my daughter was doing that, like, they're doing all sorts of things don't wanna do, and they're giving up their time, and their energy, and their emotional bandwidth, and their everything. So I think, yeah, as Stroke survivor, you guys realize, you know, it's just had those open and honest conversation With your your care routine, if it's your family whether it's, you know, you're a younger, and you have kids and a wife, or even older. I mean, I I've met a lot of people that are older. I mean, think about Somebody in their 6 65, 70, they might not have a partner anymore. They might not have a partner that's able to do certain things. It's it's a lot. And so there are tons of emotions, and there's tons of I mean, just some example I just gave you, my wife's yeah. It's no big deal to me now, but, like, it's taken me 4 years, and I'm just now throwing around weight, you know, like, So today, I picked up my boys, and I was, like, oh, man, I can do this a couple years ago. I mean, I thought I I wasn't sure I'd never be able to pick up my boys. You know, now, I'm throwing around the boys, like, you know, they're They're big boys just like their dad. They're under 10, but they're both about about a £100. You know, but I picked them up at the same time. I know it's not a weird goal, but I was like, oh, I could easily pick up my boys. Like, that's that's I wasn't sure that was gonna be a thing, and it might not have been a thing if If not for them making sacrifices, if not for my daughter making sacrifices, and MS wife making sacrifices, and again, my sisters, everybody involved on my care human team, it's Super super super difficult, and, you know, I think that's why I wanted to talk about it today. I know it's not like the biggest topic in the world, but I think Super important to, you know, this time of year, we all sort of reflect on different things in our lives. We reflect on business and life and where we're going next year, but also Don't forget about where you came from and to be thankful. You know, I don't wanna get Too deep on it, but, you know, just just remember to thank your doctors. You know, if you're going to see them during the holidays, Thank the staff. Thank the doctors. Make sure you thank your family. Say it everyday until the you they tell you to shut the fuck up Because, honestly, they deserve it, you know, because they do. But again, I I I kind of to go back again. Just wanna how you run Things is entirely up to you. You may not even be in a position to run anything, but if you are, I knew the reason I ran a lot of things in beginning, I I I knew how to do it. I was capable to some degree to do a lot of things, and I really Wanted to take that on. I mean, there is some doctors tell me to slow down or or relax, let your family do it. And I was like, no. There's A lot of burden on the family, like, let MS do the things that I can do. So I pushed back. I don't know if that was good or bad, but I think it worked out for us. You know, I did genuinely pull from a lot of my sports background, and thankfully had, good background in leadership in general. Again, whether that's through

8, through through my parents, through Through everything. I just treated everything like a team, and I think we handle things like a team. Yeah. There's moments, there's days, tough, even even 4 years out. You know, sometimes I still get in trouble, but, like, I got trouble this week, but nothing to do with my actual feelings. It was like Yeah. Just things are different, I guess. Realize that too, as survivor and as a caregiver, That the survivor is going to be different. Why why this particular thing came up 4 years in is beyond me, but my wife and I had a little argument the other day. No big deal. Not unusual. We've been married 14 or married for 11 years, together for 14 this January. Yeah. I mean, here's how things are different Even 4 years in to your Stroke recovery, my wife just I guess, I wasn't recognizing my facial with her the other day, and she thought I was, like, yelling, and I definitely wasn't yelling because I don't really Well, one, I only like to yell at my boys when they're being a pain. I don't yell at my daughter because she's 21. I don't yell at my wife because she's my wife and I know better. Even though I typically don't know better, I definitely know better than to yell at my wife. Yeah. And I have no interest in really yelling at anybody. It's just Sometimes the boys won't listen, and I you know, I think any dad out there, any parent out there knows sometimes she just gotta lay the hammer down, and Sometimes my boys need to know that their dad is 6 foot 8 and £325 To get them in gear. And that is is it. That is whether you're a survivor or not. That is this tool that I've used, but yeah. She yeah. I don't know where is it going, but sorry. Yeah. It's just things do change. Right? And like, I was unaware of my facial expressions, maybe have changed over the years, something I've struggled with. The reason I bring this up is that caregiver or survivor or family member, whatever Stroke, just just understanding that Either side caregiver, stroke survivor, things change, throughout the course of this process, Hopefully for the better. Generally, for the better, but yeah, like things like that. I think it's a little detail that you don't think matters, but when your wife is deaf and she's used facial expressions, but you don't have those same expressions for whatever reason, I wasn't even aware of it. I just in my mind, I think I'm doing everything the way I always do it. But she's taking My weird body language on a random Tuesday MS, like, very different than I was intending it. And so, You know, that is one of the things I was talking about earlier. The emotional landscape, navigating that, just the the unique challenges and things that change, You know, I don't think that was a major hurdle, but if it was nonetheless an annoying hurdle because I wasn't even aware of it. Usually, I'm okay with being yelled at, which for the record happens pretty often, but I always hate being yelled at. I'm sure anybody does whether you're a survivor or not, or a carrier or not. Nobody likes being yelled at especially when you're not trying to be in that situation. Anyways, that also could be very closely tied to, You know, caregiver burnout, I think that is certainly something that has been, more prevalent, honestly, throughout this entire household. I think my sisters did actually a great job of just kinda stepping away when they were no longer needed full time. You know, they still check-in. I still talk to them, but they are not definitely they don't need to be. They don't need you know, I've gotten things under control for me. They don't need to be full time at all. They they haven't needed to be in full time since, you know, basically I got out of all the hospitals and, back into kind of the The routine of life. However, on the other hand, my my immediate family, my 2 boys, my daughter, and my wife, you know, they have probably They have definitely experienced burnout coming up here on year 4. I mean, I've experienced burnout, and I'm the survivor. It's, it's something to be aware of. It's and really as a survivor, I try to be aware of it. I try to be Sensitive, I you know, I think there's a balance, and it MS kind of con a constant struggle MS you start to improve in life. You start to feel better about things, you know, you're running 5,000 mile. It's so weird how things happen though. Right? Like, I I've talked about this a couple times, but I've I've broke 5,000 miles for the year. I've really taken my health to a a new level. I've broken through plateaus, And yet, here we are. There are still challenges. Sometimes there are, you know, it might be a small thing, it might be a big thing like handwriting. I mean, it's not on high on my list, but still something I do the way I wanna be able to do it, but I also don't think that's the biggest deal in the world, honestly. There are more important things to work on for me. But yeah. So I'm burnt out, to some degree. When it comes to being a survivor, it's just it you know, and so MS my wife. She it's very clear. You know, she's tired of it. She's I'm not big on excuses. I don't like making excuses, but I think, I think we're all good to say that to some degree over the course of time, Throughout the year, throughout the week, throughout the month, you know. Even if you're like me and you hate excuses, They still happen more often than I would like. I really try to be aware of them. When I when I hear them in my head, I try to address them, but it's, You know, it's work, and sometimes you just Stroke whoever or not. We're all fucking human. We're tired or I don't know, you know. And nothing really brings upon emotional, physical, tiredness and draining like the month of December, and the holidays in general. So it is actually, it's a perfect time to talk about, you know, celebrating the caregivers that have made a difference in our lives, but also Realizing this time of year in particular is not any easier for anybody. It's only adding to the fun of stress and burnout, but I think, Yeah. Again, I've tried to be very cognizant of it. I'm pretty aware of it, but sometimes I still get it wrong, and I I try to I know. It's hard to say. I mean, everybody's got different self care strategies. I mean, I think it's important to It isn't easy because some people want to hear that they need a break and that they deserve a break, but some people don't wanna hear that shit. I'll tell it to my wife because I she sometimes will be like, hey, hon. Do you need a break? And she'll be like, I don't need a break. I'm fine. Okay. The next day, it's like, I need a break. I'm so tired. Well, just to take a break yesterday. I don't know. It's it's it's interesting, but it's, you know, again, it's something to be aware of. Don't be afraid to, here's a tricky one. I've not answered this in 4 years, but I feel like Sometimes, you know, like every marriage, or every partnership, or any relationship at all. Sometimes we wanna hear things from our friends or our loved ones, and sometimes we don't. And depending on the day, the time, the mood, All sorts of factors, and it may not you could say hey, I know this to be a fact because I'll say something To Francisca, she will hate it, ignore it, brush it off, and then my daughter will say the same exact thing, and she will listen. So, You know, don't be afraid to take that team approach sometimes, especially to your loved ones and the way you care about the most, Especially if they're not into hearing it from you. Give it another go. Give it, you know, hate to do it that way, but sometimes you need to, and sometimes it's helpful, and Sometimes it backfires that way too, so there are no unfortunately, just like with us being a stroke survivor or somebody who live in with MS or being And however you identify as survivor, whether it's cancer or or some other, you know, autoimmune disease or Some other significant event, there are no magic pills. Believe me, I've been looking for the last 4 years. They don't exist. I've asked pretty much everybody. Chris, there was. I really do. I always say this, I would rather learn this lesson almost any other way than actually going through it. I'm I'm a big less a learner, but this one is tough. So yeah. Again, it's it's all about being thankful, being grateful for the 2nd chance, you know. Sometimes when I get annoyed when it comes to my caregivers, I I try to remind myself that Just because I would do MS a certain way, doesn't mean they had to do it a certain way. Were they recognizing that too is a Big thing. That's been the biggest challenge for me. I was even telling Chris before the ice we started recording this episode MS that I'm used to going a 100 miles an I have been used to it my whole life. I actually worked really hard to get back to where I'm at today to get back to the speed I wanna be at, which is a 100 and 50 miles an hour. I'm not there yet, but I am determined as hell to get there. Why? I couldn't tell you. It's not really necessary. No, it's not necessary, but I just want to. Because I wanna be able to go 150 miles an hour, if I wanna be able to go a 150 miles an hour. I don't wanna go 150 247, but I wanna do certain things, enjoy certain things, you know, make up to some degree for lost time. I think That's what I've struggled with too as a survivor. You may not, but, yeah, this is like the midlife sclerosis. I this is like the worst version of a midlife crisis I Could ever even imagine? I couldn't I couldn't make this up. If I'm being honest, like, most people want, you know I would never want this, but some people, you know, they want a divorce, they want a new car, they want a new life, they they wanna move on to some other thing. Man, that seems like a dream compared to a Stroke, and I'm sure all the Stroke survivors out there could probably agree. Yeah. Not the midlife price. So I was looking for things, you know, I'm big on, You know, I don't I don't have regrets. I don't wanna necessarily make up for lost time. But there were yeah. There are things that I really wanted to do the last couple years that, like, I had goals for, I had a vision for, and I just kinda wanna get to that so that again, that's why I take everything so seriously, You know, I push it probably more than I should, and encourage other people to push it as far as you can within safe reason. Always be safe, always be smart, Don't do dumb things. I mean, I do dumb things all the time, but I do that in a different way than it might sound. Yeah. Again, when it comes down to it, I mean, really, a caregiver is no different than anybody else in that thirties, forties, 50. It doesn't matter the age. It's like, Putting yourself first is important. Helping the survivor is is something if you're willing to and want to and committed to, To a full steam, but, like, don't do it at the expense of your health. I think that's where, you know, that I always encourage my wife to run and to make time for that, and That's why I wanted to take certain things on during my recovery. At least what I could to help out because I knew how much of the burden was on her. The burnout she was experiencing, and I didn't want her. And, like, the last thing I wanted, you know, not to not to overhyped this, but, like, you don't want If you find yourself in a similar situation where you've had a stroke or or, you know, you're the caregiver, I encourage you to be acutely aware of this because You don't wanna end up in the same spot, you know, because a lot of strokes are stress related. Different types of strokes are different types of stress, but, like, nevertheless, that is a There are many factors that cause them, but yeah. Just to be acutely aware of that because the last thing think anybody would ever want, especially anybody who's been through it or seen it I just I can't even imagine, like, if if I had had the stroke and then all of a sudden, my wife had a stroke or some other significant event at the same time, like, we would have been I mean, there's no other word for her. We've been fucked. Like Like, fuck to a degree that you can't I mean, yeah. Again, I I don't think I got the good end of the sick by Having a stroke at 37, and then 2 months later, getting diagnosed with MS. I mean, I I've said this many times too. It's like getting hit with an aluminum baseball bat, the first time, you know, in that month off of being an inpatient was like getting up, and then getting diagnosed with MS, like getting hit with a baseball bat a 2nd time. But imagine it was like big poppy from, you know, the early 2000 and the red sox, and nobody wants to take that. I don't watch baseball anymore, so I don't really know who's, you know, Ohtani, I guess, or, you know, Mike Trout. I wouldn't wanna take a bet Mike Trout or or really any major player, but, like, that's yeah. It's a significant thing, but I can't yeah. Again, it's unlikely, but it's just something to be aware of MS, appreciative of everybody who is putting in the time, putting in the effort, making sure All your caregivers are taking breaks, taking time for themselves. They're not doing so much on your behalf or for you that They then found themselves in a in a Stroke or bad spot, you know, but so it's not helpful to anybody at the end of the day. But, yeah, I know. I feel I feel like we're all over the place this this week on this episode, but caregivers, I just have so many things I could say, like I just I am eternally grateful. I'm eternally you know, I'm proud of my young, My kids and my wife for really stepping up. You know, I don't I guess you could say I'm proud of my sisters for the way they helped and handled things. I mean, honestly, I'm just So grateful and thankful. And I know it's corny and cheesy to do a to do a celebration thing at the end of the year, but I really You know, I think coming up on the 4 year anniversary of my stroke this year in a couple weeks I just I don't think caregivers get enough love From in general? You know, obviously, they don't from me, but humor is my love language. So if I'm not making fun of my team, You know, then they should be worried, but, yeah, I just I just I know I wouldn't be here today, and where I'm at today, 4 years in stroke You know, and there's still a lot of things I wanna do, and things I need to get better at, and things I need to improve, but that will happen over time, and I know they'll Say that when you first have your stroke, if you're new, a newer stroke survivor that it takes time. I assure you that's annoying as hell. It's exhausting to hear, but it does take time. And, you know, when you kind of get further along, then you realize, okay, Looking back, it does take time. It also takes a village. Also very corny, but it is super true. For the caregivers, I encourage you to be open minded, realize your loved one who's had a stroke or significant life event. Are going to change. Things will change. If things don't change, you should be worried. You want them to change because you want somebody to take advantage of the 2nd chance. You want to improve Different things. You should also take the time as a caregiver to, you know, potentially reevaluate some things in your life. Are the things you wanna change, are you wanna improve, or other you know, is it too much stress in your life? Be very grateful. Honestly, like, I mean Sorry. That doesn't sound great, but like Yeah. I mean, if you're a caregiver, please look at your loved one who's had the stroke and be like, That looks tough. I'd rather not do that. You know, I can assure you'd rather not. So take the time to really Evaluate your own situation. You'll have to make drastic changes so you could hopefully make small changes that because I don't want you to find yourself in that spot, especially not after being a caregiver or or, you know, going through the stroke. Anyways, I'm rambling. But, yeah, just I just wanna celebrate all my team. Again, I'm very thankful, very grateful. I really appreciative. Again, I wouldn't be here without Everybody who has played some role in my stroke recovery, and I really I'm gonna keep improving Every single day, for as long as I can. Really for the rest of my life because I I believe I owe it to them Because they've invested time in me, I I owe it to prove them right, and to well, not. Yeah. They they invested time in me. They knew it was worthwhile, and I'm eternally grateful, and I wanna pay it forward, in a lot of ways, and I just yeah. I don't know. I just can't say how thankful I am enough, honestly. Anyways, I think, Yeah. We'll wrap up that part. Multiple of recommendations this week. I don't have a ton of things going on in the it's a little busy with the holidays, I can tell you. Yeah. Let's see. If you are still looking for gifts and you have Fire TV and you are a video Gamer, but you don't wanna buy a PS 4 or PS 5 or another Xbox or another goddamn gaming system. I will tell you, if you have kids that like Fortnite, the Luna for Amazon Fire Stick is a good purchase. I got a I bought a controller To test for myself, I don't even like video games, but really what I got it for was to test it for my kids, and my 9 year old Loves it. There's no lagging. It's apparently better than the iPad. It's apparently better than the PS 4. It's better than the PS 5. It's better than his Xbox. I think we got a hit for Santa Nut at $15 a pop. You can buy the controller on Amazon. So if you have a kid that loves playing, Fortnite And other epic games, you might look at the Luna as a lot a good inexpensive gift, especially if you're Firestick user or TV household like we are, I think we have every TV except for 1. We have 1 shitty Roku So and that's only because it's my youngest, and he doesn't know any better. Yeah. Every other TV MS a firestick in this house. So, yeah, that's a really good thing if you're looking for something to pick up before the holidays. Highly recommended, and the fact that he did not complain and said there was no lag is blowing my mind from last night? What am I watching? Oh, my favorite. Big funny enough, I was talking to Chris about, tissues before this episode, and this has nothing to do with tissues. But let's talk about how you get those tissue, like, if you use the tissue and your beards a little scratchy, and it's a little Multiple thingies, and it's it's not a great look if you don't catch it. Some people might think it's not a tissue. They may not be aware it's tissue, and it might look like other white Substances, which is fine. I don't really care if that's what it looks like to be focused. It's obviously not what's going on. It's fucking clean, shedding all over me. But, yeah, I've been watching Cocaine Cowboys on Netflix again because I just love Miami and the Eighties nineties cocaine days, and I'm pretty sure they continue on today just in different manner, and I'm pretty sure they happened in 2000 because I was there while it was happening. Anyways, fascinated with that MS always. Haven't watched in a while, so I've been watching that, and of course, That has then turned me on to reading a book, about cocaine in Coconut Grove, which is a Suburb, technically, I guess. Just south of downtown in Brickell, Miami. If you're familiar with Miami, you know Coconut Stroke. It is The counterpart to South Beach, where people go out and they drink, down in South Florida. The book is called Hotel Scarface, which is pretty much like Cocaine and Cowboys, except for they just talk about things that happened at the Mutiny Hotel in Coconut Grove. I don't know why I romanticize the cocaine cowboys and the cocaine days in Miami. I just find it funny. I find I enjoy reminiscing about it a bit. I think it is probably, honestly, a lot of the reason besides the Miami Hurricanes that I went to Miami. It's Just I kinda live that life a little bit or pretty close to it. I just I love The shady side of Miami, it's just that I don't it's not for everybody, not everybody can handle it. I probably shouldn't, You know, recommended Stroke Survivor. But if you, you know had if you like an interesting read, if you like Interesting. You know, I love mob stories too because I grew up in Jersey. I grew up on Sopranos, you know. All those things are Exciting to me. I don't think I necessarily I obviously, at this point in my life, I have no desire to live any of that, but it's just fun. It's like a fun escape that's, Yeah. It's like stand up comedy. I love stand up comedy. I love blue comedy. I love dark comedy. I love comedy in general, but, Yeah. I guess I guess, for me, it makes books a little bit more fun. Sometimes I need a break from all the hard stuff, so, yeah, it's a good break. Highly recommended Cocaine Hot Boys. It's Good on Netflix. What am I listening to? I have been listening to You probably don't care because nobody cares about EDM music usually. But, yeah. Been listening to a ton of I don't know. I guess it's it's it's a lot of Miami for me these days, which is weird. Interesting time. Speaking of Miami, I think my mother-in-law is coming for a visit soon, which I'm not thrilled about because nobody has talked to me about MS Nestle Fields, Stroke of our regard soon. Let's see. Last thing I'll mention, Weekly inspiration I put on here, and I wonder what I was thinking about when I was writing that down because I don't have any quotes. Not a big quote guy. Oh, I know. Hang on. Give me one before we wrap up this episode because I am going to find out I didn't post it on LinkedIn, but I was thinking about doing LinkedIn post, this week because I did 1 last week. Kinda dip my toe back in the water, and I was gonna write 1 last night. I might still write this because it'll be obviously, I'm gonna publish a couple weeks. Okay. This is kind of tied into everything we would talk about this episode, and caregivers and giving back, and make sure caregivers take time to Take care of themselves because if they can't take care of themselves, they can take care of you. Obvious, probably, but not always obvious. And if I could pull this damn post up, I will share it with you because I just I was really fired up this week. Thinking about things and thinking about writing this as LinkedIn post, I do think MS a caregiver or or or no. As a survivor, Rebuilding against the odds is really something, you know, like I said, I kind of such MS this are on this earlier. A lot of people will give up on you. They might not even realize that not even intentionally. You might Have days where you feel like giving up on yourself, but I assure you 4 years in, I think I'll talk to this more next week, because I'm gonna do kind of 4 year For your recap, but I was just I was I was fired up this week about this giving back to the caregivers. It's you know, again, they they put so much effort into our recovery. And you do as well, but yeah. Just just thinking about, like, people doubt us, and people I don't know if we're gonna be able to rebuild, and then, yeah, there are moments where I don't know if I was gonna be able to rebuild. But there's no magic pill, and it's just like I don't know. I don't know. People always ask me how do I do it, and I just I just have this this mentality. I don't, Again, I don't know if it's New York, New Jersey, East Coast, Miami, whatever it is, but I feel like I owe it to the people who have put in time and support and effort and into my recovery Beyond myself, but also I don't know. I don't suggest this forever, but I think of the other days when people dismiss you, just It's not about proving people wrong, but don't be afraid to use it as fuel because I think you need that in the early days to get you going on the recovery path. And, you know, for MS, that works. For for you, it may not. But I just I just I'm looking back, And I'm thinking, you know, obviously, I do this for me. Obviously, I do it for my family. Obviously, I do it for all the people that have put in time effort into my recovery and helped me along the way. But, also, I love proving people wrong. I mean, I'm really fired up about this. I'll talk more about it next week, but I just yeah. Never be afraid to, you know, use whatever you need for fuel. Again, be take this time of year to be appreciative, be thankful. Thank everybody around you who's giving you any kind of support along the way. Be grateful. And, yeah. I think I think we'll be there for an episode. So, anyways, I'll talk to you next week.